Writing tips: Sentence clarity

Make your writing clear as a bell!

cogdogblog / Foter.com / CC BY-SA

In my work as your MALS Writing Consultant, I have come across a few writing errors that almost all writers seem to make at some point. I'd like to tackle those on the blog occasionally, and give you some tips about how to avoid them. Here, I bring you two errors that are major culprits in the muddling of otherwise good writing, and sure to get your papers marked "CLARIFY!"

• The dreaded "this"—The word "this" certainly has its place in the English language, but 

often its use leads to ambiguity in graduate level writing. Think about how you use "this" in speech. For example, at a restaurant you might say, "I'll have this sandwich," while pointing at a menu item so the waiter can see which sandwich you're talking about. If he can't see where you're pointing, "this" is a meaningless indicator. The same is true in writing. 

When you refer to an idea from a previous sentence with the word "this," you must tell your reader what "this" is. It's especially important to do so in graduate-level, interdisciplinary writing, because the concepts presented in the sentence to which "this" refers may be quite complex and encompass several ideas. 

If you write a sentence that says, "This is important because . . ." I may have no idea what is important. So, saying something as simple as "This area of interdisciplinary study is important because. . ." can help your reader say, "Oh yeah, she was just talking about a certain area of interdisciplinary study, and this sentence is going to tell me more about it." 

• Beware long, convoluted sentences—For interdisciplinary writers who are consulting multiple types of sources from multiple disciplines to come to new conclusions, it can be hard be brief. Sure, many of your sentences are going to be long and complex—complex sentences linking multiple concepts are a mark of advanced writing—but they must be coherent. 

Read sections of your paper aloud to help you identify overly complicated sentences (they'll usually sound that way when you hear them). Remember that it’s your job as a writer to distill the information from sources and your own conclusions into something your reader can understand. Sometimes you can fix really long sentences by simply breaking them into multiple sentences, but sometimes a long, confusing sentence is the result of really not understanding your source material. Check in with yourself to make sure you understand the concept, then try writing the simplest sentence possible ("Interdisciplinarity involves multiple disciplines."), and elaborate from there.

Your trusty writing consultant can help you identify these writing problems and give you more feedback on solving them—just contact me for a consultation!

Happy writing,

~Lahla

Strong writing, in which passive voice will not be used (by zombies)

I have spent a completely unreasonable amount of time writing this post -- or, rather, trying to write it.

Even if you are not a shameless procrastinator like me, you've probably struggled with a similar problem at some juncture. I knew exactly what I wanted to talk about, but every time I tried to set the words down, they came out wrong: stiff and formal, and nothing like my usual writing style. This problem is not new to me; I regularly struggled with it while working on class papers and assignments. Many of us, when writing scholarly papers, tend to strive for a formality far removed from our ordinary style or voice. Unfortunately, that effort often leads instead to stilted, awkward, unclear writing. (As an ironic case-in-point, I spent a ridiculous amount of time writing, revising, and rewriting this paragraph because it sounded terribly artificial. It's still a little stiff for a blog, but it will have to do.)

Pie is delicious. Via zoomdoggle.

I set out to talk about passive voice -- a phrase which I will wager most of you have seen written in the margins of your papers at least once. When writing in past or present tense, passive constructions are rarely a good choice, because they approach the subject in an unnecessarily roundabout manner. We rarely use passive voice in everyday speech unless we lack complete information or are specifically trying to avoid clarity. You would never say "The entire pie was eaten by me." You might say "The entire pie was eaten," but only if you wish to avoid admitting that you ate the entire pie.

Similarly, you would not say "An 'A' was earned in that class." If you accomplish that feat, you'll take credit for it directly, by saying "I earned an 'A' in that class" rather than "An 'A' was earned by me in that class."

by Dan Savage, via savagechickens.com

These are, of course, oversimplified examples. Passive voice will often creep into papers in subtler forms. For example, one might claim "It has been said that pumpkin pie is delicious." That's all well and good, but who said it? If you know, say so; if you don't know, you will need to find out before you put it in your paper.

Passive construction with attribution isn't significantly better. It sounds pretty silly to write "It has been said by Emily that pumpkin pie is delicious." Why not simply, directly state that "Emily says that pumpkin pie is delicious"? It is. I said it. I'm not ashamed. You can quote me on it.

Passive voice isn't always so easy to spot, but culture and ethics professor Rebecca Johnson has a solution for that:

Discovered via the wonderful Grammarly page on Facebook

This is sheer brilliance. It works. Try it out:
"The results were published" vs. "He published the results" vs. "The results were interesting."
"The class was taken" vs. "The class was delicious."
"He used his brains" vs. "His brains were used."

Now, I'll grant that academic papers may be far more interesting once you throw a few zombies into the mix, but keep in mind that zombies are dangerous creatures. You're far better off closing any zombie-ready gaps you find. This is pretty easy to remember: zombies are pretty passive. Passive voice attracts zombies. Use your brains, stay active, and avoid the zombies.

Is passive voice always wrong? No; it does have its uses. Specifically, you may appropriately use passive voice when discussing future events or unknown information: "I suspect the entire pie will be eaten today," for example, or "We don't know when the pie was eaten." Additionally, passive voice is generally recommended for certain forms of science writing, where the writer wishes to convey objectivity. (See Grammar Girl's post on passive voice for more information.) When dealing with known information in past or present tense, however, it's rarely the best choice.*

If you write directly and assign credit where it's due, you shouldn't be troubled by passive voice. Zombies are a different matter. I'll just have to wish you luck there. Have a happy and safe Halloween, and I hope that none of you will be eaten.**

Cheers,
Emily

*Unless you are Yoda.*** In that case, however, you have some larger syntax issues to deal with first.
**By zombies.
***Pro tip: you are not Yoda.